On Leaving

I tipped my chin towards the sunshine. My breathing came quickly. The ground moved beneath my feet. I felt every inch of my body relax and I crumbled.

I stopped. Mid-run. I cried. I laughed. And I cried some more. And I knew. I knew it was the right thing to do.

Walking away from my life-long belief system was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It was easily as hard as knowing divorce was the right thing to do. Anyone who thinks the leavers of religion are taking the easy way out don’t understand leaving.

It redefined me in ways I couldn’t possibly understand at the time.

It also made me better.

I know that seems wrong to those who believe. And please know that I have nothing but love and respect for you.

But for me, leaving made me better. I had to make choices about my life in new ways. I had to learn to be myself all over again. I learned what unconditional love meant. I learned how to heal.

I learned to live for right now. For today.

That is probably the most important thing I learned…

To live in the moment and stop wishing parts of my life away.

I was stuck in the hope that someday or in a next unknown life, everything would be better. When I let go of that and I took control, amazing things happened.

I love my children better.

I found a career. I appreciate nature. I travel.

I achieve goals and meet new people.

I FEEL the sunshine and hear the birds chirp. Colors are brighter.

And I get to teach my children to love in a way I never could before. I get to teach them how beautiful every human is no matter what they believe or who they love.

I rarely talk about this whole leaving religion thing because it’s difficult to talk about. It hurts for people who don’t understand and I have many wonderful family and friends who are believers.

But I think it’s important. We can’t possibly understand each other if we avoid difficult subjects.

I watched as my younger children ran off to school this morning. Eyes shining. Blonde heads bobbing. Smiles. Waves.

My heart full, I blew kisses to exuberant, happy children as I pulled away from the curb.

And I know I did the right thing for all of us.